A Memoire from Judas

I've begun to realize that the part of the passion narrative that resonates most with me isn't the fact that Jesus came to save our souls, or that God sent his son. For me what resonates is that when the mob yells "Crucify him" I can hear among them my very own voice. What's even worse is that mine is the loudest. I can hear my voice above the entire uprising of people condemning him to death.

"My sin yells 'Crucify' louder than the mob that day.
My sin yells 'Crucify' louder than any mouth!"

"The price of atonement is more than i've found to offer up as my plea,
Jesus my heart is all i have to give to you, so weak and so unworthy,
this simply will not do,for your body that was broken, how can this be enough?
by me you were abandoned, by me you were betrayed,
yet in your arms and in your heart forever i have stayed"


"Behold the Man upon a cross,
My sin upon His shoulders
Ashamed I hear my mocing voice,
Call out among the scoffers
It was my sin that helf Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished"

I often think of how much I hate injustice in this world, I know that God is a God of judgment because he needs to bring the world back to him. I still can't help but feel as if what I hate in injustice is the very things that I house in my very own heart. This is a sobering thought. How do I deal with the depravity within my heart?