it is so that my transgressions have born a withered fruit,
the sun has scorched the rising plants;
alas they have no root, the bleached bones of animals bound by leather strips,
dance through the air with laughter as i wield this wicked whip,
as you did warn me carpenter, this world has weakened my heart,
so easily i disparage, self-seeking the work of my heart,
and there you have come to me at the moment I bathe in my sorrow,
so in love with myself, sought after avoiding tomorrow,
where do you find the love to offer he who betrays you?
and offer to wash my feet as i offer to disobey you,
your beauty does bereave me, and how my words do fail,
so faithfully and dutifully I award you with betrayal,
the weak and the down trodden fall on broken legs,
as i walk past a smile i cast, fervor in my stead,
but my bones like plastic, do buckle backward now,
I lay in this field by Judas' bowels and anticipate the plow,
I can not be forgiven; my wages will be paid,
for those more lovely and admirable is least among the saved,
and where would I fit Jesus?
what place is left for me?
the price of atonement is more than I've found to offer up as my plea,
Jesus my heart is all I have to give to you, so weak and so unworthy,
this simply will not do, no alabaster jar, no diamond in the rough,
for your body that was broken, how can this be enough?
by me you were abandoned, by me you were betrayed,
yet in your arms and in your heart forever i have stayed

Your glory illuminates my life, and no darkness will descend,
for you have loved me forever, and your love will never end

Forgiveness

"Though your sins are like scarlet,
they shall be as white as snow;
though they are red as crimson,
they shall be like wool"
- Isaiah 1:18

"The Lord our God is merciful and forgiving,
even though we have rebelled against him"
-Daniel 9:9

"As far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us."
-Psalm 103:12

"I, even I, am he who blots out
your transgressions, for my own sake,
and remembers your sins no more."
-Isaiah 43:25

I Am Forgiven

Fellowship

Last month was my 21st birthday. I thought it would be fun to have a big dinner thing at a pizza place. Elisa made reservations, I invited everyone I knew. The big day came, I arrived 15 minutes late to find a completely empty pizza hall. I don't know I've ever been so bummed out. No one was coming to my birthday. However, my sorrow quickly turned to joy as almost like clockwork people started pouring in. People began filing in one after another until almost the entire party room was full! There were a good 20 people in there to celebrate with me. To top it off I was surprised by a dear friend of mine from Paradise who had come up just for the night to be there for my birthday. I felt so special. No one had ever taken the time to make sure I had a birthday to remember. (Thanks Elisa!)
Towards the end of the night, I started getting tired from all the amazing pizza I had eaten. I was sitting in a corner digesting, just sort of enjoying the moment, when it dawned on me. I wasn't personally engaging anyone at the time, but it brought me so much pleasure to know that everyone in that room had gathered because they wanted to be with me. It was incredible. 20 people who loved me all coming together for no other reason than to love the fact that I was born.
I think this is very much how God is. When we gather in fellowship, we may not mention his name, or our relationship with him, yet there is something so powerful about believers coming together simply to exist in the presence of their savior. God delights in it. He sees his children coming together just to eat and celebrate, and his heart lightens. His face fills with joy, and his laugh begins to shake the universe.

The Name

In the Bible times, the Hebrew people would name their kids based on either something God had done for them, or a characteristic of that kid. For instance, names such as Rafael. Rafa means healing, while El is a contraction of the word Elohim meaning God. So Rafael means "God is the healer". Or with Esau in Genesis, he was born very red and hairy, so his parents called him Esau or "Red Guy". Likewise, Malachi comes from the Hebrew word Malak which means messenger, and ai which would translate as my. Malachi at birth was proclaimed to be "My Messenger." The Hebrews had an understanding that their name was everything. That by the very nature of their name, you would be able to tell so much about a person. Your name was all important in the Hebrew society. Isaiah does something interesting when he writes, he names his kids based on what would come to happen in Israel. Even in the New Testament we see predictions about a person based on how they are named. Mary and Joseph were commanded to name their son, who would be born miraculously from a couple who had never consummated their marriage, Jesus. In Hebrew his name is Yehu-Shua. Yehu being a shortening of the divine name YHWH and Shua meaning salvation. Jesus' name was Joshua or the "Lord is My Salvation". It even says in Matthew 1:21 that "She will give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus, because he will save his people from their sins." Was there ever a more powerful name attached to person? The very name of Jesus proclaimed that God's salvation was present. The very core of his person was the salvation that God has to offer his broken creation. It is no wonder that his name is the Name above all names.

Life Is Good

I was realizing, that a lot of my recent blogs have been almost exclusively about how terrible life has been. Granted, this semester has sucked, there is still so much good in my life. Honestly, I feel as if I'm such a blessed man. I have been given some of the best friends in the world, like Nolan. Every time either of us feel down, we have some of the best guy time in the world. Or Jeef! even though he lives across the state, we're just as much roommates now as when we actually lived together. If having two of the best friends in the world isn't enough, I also have an absolutely gorgeous girlfriend who loves the crap out of me all the time. I've never felt more loved and honored than when I'm around her. Even when I do dumb things, she is so understanding and treats me with such respect. I've never felt more valued in my life.
If all that isn't enough, I have a God and Savior whose love for me is new every day and even though I don't feel super close to him, his presence in my life overwhelms me. It is a beautiful thing to look at where I've come from and be able to realize how much God has saved me from. He has really rocked my face in recently with how much he loves me.

I am truly blessed.